Don't think so…unless you're talkin' fe-lyings, of course.

"Several city officials on Tuesday sharply criticized a planned bikini contest to raise money for spaying pets, saying the "Hooters for Neuters" event was degrading to women. Hosted by the Hooters restaurant chain, the July 13 fundraiser will donate money to the spay and neuter programs at Los Angeles Animal Services.

"Are we going backward here?" said City Controller Laura Chick. "We are a city with all kinds of progressive programs that empower women and end discrimination in the workplace, and now we're being connected with a Hooters bikini contest. It isn't right."

Sexy women…neutered males. And they think that's a new idea?

"Councilwoman Jan Perry said the department's attempt to be creative in telling pet owners to sterilize their animals "crosses the line." "I was surprised and amazed with the photograph on the flier, and I don't think it projects a good image for the city of Los Angeles," Perry said."

As a former resident of California, there's only one thing I can say 'bout that...

Hahahahahahahahaha

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posted by Harrison at 12:36 AM

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…today is the 8th annual Take Your Dog To Work Day®. Yeah!

"Pet Sitters International, the creator of the day, is asking businesses around the world to allow employees to bring their well-mannered dogs to the office on Take Your Dog To Work Day. The celebratory event is intended to promote the human-animal bond by facilitating positive interactions between dogless co-workers and their colleagues’ canine companions."

'Course I work with AHM every day so it's nothin' new for me. And on the show circuit it's called Take Your Human To Work Day.

Have ya' noticed there's no Take Your Cat To Work Day? There's a good reason--or two--or three… Well, you get the idea.

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posted by Harrison at 12:59 AM

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The Good.

Meryl Yourish could have used this a couple of summers ago. Gotta' say I wish I had one of these little suckers at Halloween. Would have taken care of those greedy little brats a lot faster than my Wolfman impression.

"The BIRDS-AWAY Attack Spider® is a battery-operated device that will chase away damage-causing woodpeckers. Activated by sound, the spider drops down on an 18 inch string while making a loud noise. Then it climbs back up the string, ready to attack again. This unusual solution is both very inexpensive and highly effective. Woodpeckers cannot stand them!"

The Bad.

Tennessee. 'Nuf said. Oh, yeah. There's a bear involved, too.

"For all the frightening bear news in Tennessee in recent months, Rela Foshie didn't know what to do when a black bear she said had recently visited her back porch [in Chuckey, TN] decided to let himself in on Thursday.

"It came in the back door," she said. "I don't know how it got the door opened, but it did. He was in the hallway where the dog food was." The bear was apparently attracted to food for the couple's six-month-old puppy, Buddy. "He took the whole thing, the 50-pound bag of dog food and the plastic tub it was in, and dragged it though the backyard," she said. "That makes two bags. One last week and now one this week."

Make that a fat bear.


The Ugly.

There's a man-made lake down the road here that we used to like visitin' to watch the fireworks on the Fourth of July. Okay, AHM liked watchin' the fireworks. The rest of us were doin' our best Chicken Little impression. We don't go any more 'cause a bunch of Canadian geese moved in. (Gotta' admit it was fun for a while watchin' those silly geese freak out every time a firework exploded.) Anyway, silly humans let their kids scatter bread around for the geese 'cause they thought it was cute. Ya'd think a bunch of humans with kiddies would remember what goes in has gotta' come out sometime—somewhere…

"Officials are looking to capture some of Lake Tahoe's biggest polluters: Canada geese. A sewage spill at the lake last summer "is nothing compared to what's happening with these geese," said Jack Spencer, a federal Department of Agriculture wildlife biologist. Spencer said the bottom of Lake Tahoe is covered by up to two inches of goose feces in some areas."uce four pounds of nitrate- and phosphate-rich feces every day it waddles across the beaches, lawns and golf courses of Tahoe."

The Stupid.

We visited a place once that had peacocks on the lawn. They made the most gawd-awful screechin' I ever heard—they could've stripped the hide off a rhino. Guess their brains aren't much better.

"It is a love affair destined to end in frustration. Mr P, a lonely peacock, has devoted the past three years of his life to romancing a petrol pump. Every day the eight-year-old peacock saunters the quarter mile from his roost in a tree to the busy garage forecourt, where he spends the day showing off his flamboyant plumage in front of the row of pumps…

"He is one of three peacocks reared from eggs by Shirley Horsman from Brierley, in the Forest of Dean, Gloucestershire. His two brothers are also showing signs of confusion when it comes to finding a mate. One appears to have a crush on the family cat, and the other has been seen attempting to mate with a garden light."

World Cup Idiocy.

Sometimes there's a definite need for…fe-lyings.

"A flock of the birds dressed in soccer jerseys showed off their dribbling and shooting skills at a Japanese zoo as football fever gripped the nation. The four young carrion crows at Tokuyama Zoo in western Japan used their beaks to dribble a miniature ball toward a soccer goal, sometimes tackling each other for possession before scoring, according to head zookeeper Satoru Tanaka…

"We tried to coach owls and falcons as well, but the crows were the best. They're such intelligent creatures," he said. The birds have only received about a month's training, he added. The zoo is now trying to teach the avian team to pass and take free kicks…"

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posted by Harrison at 12:44 AM

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Knew it all the time.


Sieg Heil.

Dug up by Cosmo at NRO's The Corner

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posted by Harrison at 1:19 AM

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Boy oh boy. I take a few weeks off and they get totally out of control. They're even dredgin' up allies from the prehistoric era.

"The first pictures showing a live specimen of a rodent species once thought to have been extinct for 11 million years have been taken by a retired Florida State University professor and a Thai wildlife biologist. The pictures show a docile, squirrel-sized animal with dark dense fur and a long tail but not as bushy as a squirrel. It also shows that the creature waddles like a duck with its hind feet splayed out at an angle, ideal for climbing rocks."

Ewwwww. The world really needs another squirrel/rat/rodent like that runnin' loose. Like the ones already loose aren't causin' enough problems.

"Residents say…rodents are swarming through the 75-unit development of manufactured homes near the airport of this Eastern Washington town, burrowing under homes, fouling front porches with their droppings and—according to some unconfirmed accounts—attacking people. Many species of marmots, including some known as woodchucks and groundhogs, are found across North America. They are closely related to ground squirrels and are among the largest of rodents, some reaching 30 pounds."

Groundhogs gone wild—again.

"Can you imagine what they'd do to cats?" asked Dick Bain, 78, a Wine Country resident who dispatched two of the animals with a shovel Friday."

We can always dream…

'Course, if the groundhogs fail, the raccoons are ready to pick up the slack.

"Barbara Higgins, 68, now sleeps on her sparse sun porch in Sagamore Beach [MA] after [a] massive [raccoon] nested in a small space between the ceiling and the roof to give birth three months ago. “My bedroom smells awful, like raccoon urine” Higgins said. “There are raccoon paw prints everywhere. She went berserk trying to get into the house every which way.”… For now, Higgins is spritzing the raccoons with ammonia and hoping to scare them away by blasting the radio. “I have nothing against wildlife,” Higgins said. “But when they get into your house people do anything to protect animals instead of people.”

'Specially in Massachusetts…

"A Boston window-washer and self-described animal lover charged with killing a seagull while working at a downtown Boston building pleads not guilty to animal cruelty charges. Christopher Guay says it was a case of self-defense as he batted away several gulls with a broomstick that were repeatedly swooping down on him on Friday. Guay was arrested by an MSPCA officer after witnesses reported that he repeatdedly struck the seagull."

…where they've been protectin' Ted Kennedy for years.

And speakin' of fe-lyings, here's proof that whole reality TV thing has finally jumped the shark.

"Ten cats in search of owners will spend the next 10 days in a New York store window, their every move caught on camera for a reality TV show on which they will compete for best sleeper and mouse-catcher. …[V]iewers will be asked to vote off one feline contestant each day. The cats…will compete for loudest purr, most prolific sleeper and who can catch the most toy mice."

Now where did AHM hide the remote…

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posted by Harrison at 12:05 AM

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Seems like every time ya' turn around someone's tryin' to analyze us canines. Since most of these studies are takin' place in not-so-Great-anymore Britain it's obvious there are lots of people there with waaay too much time on their hands. 'Course my personal opinion of Brits bein' dog people is pretty low. They should just stick to fe-lyings 'cause apparently they haven't got a clue about dogs. Exhibit One:

University explores barking dogs

"New research is under way at the University of Sussex to help understand what a dog means when it barks. Analysts are using modern technology to find out whether dogs communicate in different ways in an attempt to help owners better understand their pets…

"The project was started by [research student Anna Taylor] and is taking place at the university's psychology department… "Hopefully this research will help to reveal scientifically what man's best friend is really saying," she added."

Wonder if she understands the word fool?

But apparently Anna has a great future as a government functuary. Guess there's a reason the expression "barking mad" comes from the English. Witness Exhibit Two:

Barking, but your dog will understand

"Most foreign language courses teach French or Spanish to prospective tourists keen to learn the local lingo before their holiday. But one council has taken translation to a new level by offering lessons in how to understand the barking of dogs. Dog lovers not satisfied with simply resembling their pets can now learn how to sound like them as well."

As if bearin' a familial resemblance to a Chinese Crested weren't bad enough.

"They will be taught guidance from the Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) about the ten different ways in which their animal communicates — and the nine things that it might be trying to tell its owner."

Only nine? Ya' might wanna' work in a few other comments as well—like seein' a full set of teeth means I am not a happy camper. Or if your Birkenstocks are suspiciously damp it means "Don't call me cute, sucker!"

"The free masterclass in understanding woofs, squeals and growls is being offered by a council desperate to cut down on noise pollution."

Oh, that makes sense. Teachin' a bunch of silly humans how to bark is definitely gonna' cut down on noise pollution.

"…They will teach techniques to doting owners, hoping that this will result in superior communication with their dogs and fewer complaints about barking. The different noises made by dogs have been identified as grunts, whines, yelps, screams, howls, growls, coughs, barks, tooth snapping and panting…"

Sounds to me like there's a whole island nation full of people who are closet fe-lyin' people, 'specially if they have to depend on government types to tell 'em what we're talkin' about.

So… I'll make it easy for 'em:

Grunt = I'm too damn fat to walk up this many steps.
Whine = You're leavin' me alone again, aren't you?
Yelp = Get your clodhopper the hell off my foot!
Scream = THIS IS THE VET'S OFFICE!!
Howl = Who's dumbass idea was it to let the kid take saxophone lessons?
Cough = Ya' gotta' stop buyin' that perfume by the gallon.
Bark = Open the door or you're gonna' have to wring out the rug.
Tooth snapping = Do I yank your food away while you're eatin'?
Panting = It's 101 degrees in the shade and you wanna' go joy ridin'?

'Course all those things can mean other stuff too which real, live, non-Brit dog people understand. And if any of 'em go on too long—like coughin' or pantin' or whinin'—it could mean we need to visit the local vet, screamin' or not. Wouldn't think you'd need a government agency to tell ya' that.

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posted by Harrison at 4:42 PM

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Not All Kibbles 'n Bits

This travelin' business isn't all it's cracked up to be—not the least of which is no reliable Internet access. The other problem, well—ya' know how people can be about travelin' canines. I say they should be glad no one in their right mind would go drivin' around with a fe-lyin'.

'Course Silly Human Female had to try it, accordin' to the oldsters, which proves the "no one in their right mind" business. She was movin' from state to state and AHM offered to go along and help, and Great Granddam was part of the whole adventure, sittin' up in the back of AHM's car doin' the ole' bobble-head dog thing. Accordin' to her, they hadn't been followin' SHF more than 20 miles down the road before SHF started careenin' back and forth, then headed for the nearest freeway exit like a rocket. AHM naturally went after her and finally located SHF—after followin' the sound of squealin' tires and the cloud of dust—in a truckstop parkin' lot.

SHF must've kicked open the car door 'cause Great Granddam said it sorta' exploded outward with SHF makin' a divin' exit. But instead of closin' it after her, SHF reached back and dragged out two cats, both fetchingly adorned with glitter harnesses and leashes. Two completely fuzzed-out fe-lyings—fuzzed-out that is, 'cept where their fur was suspiciously darker and matted down. And she didn't stop with the fe-lyings. Once they were tied to the door handle SHF started throwin' all the stuff outta' her car too.

AHM had to stop kinda' fast to avoid all the bags bouncin' around in front of her, and GGD, bein' the nosy type, got her snout jammed into the partly opened back window. She always claimed the smell was near as bad as the time she met up with that weird, one-stripe fe-lyin' when she was just a pup.

Once everyone got untangled, AHM got out and started makin' snide comments 'bout SHF and her infamous bladder control issues. (She once got so desperate she went "quail huntin'" in the backroads brush of the Upper Pennisula of Michigan. Bare butt. B-52 mosiquitos. I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks.) Well, AHM was right—sort of. But it wasn't SHF havin' the bladder control issues…

…it was the fe-lyings.

The Boys had had a territorial disagreement inside a small sedan where there's not a big amount of territory to start with. (GGD always said, knowin' those two old queens, they were more likely to be fightin' over who had the prettiest harness, but that's another story altogether.) Anyway, boys presumably bein' boys, they decided to settle the issue by drawin' the proverbial line in the sand. 'Cept it was in the car…and was more like sprayin' the line. SHF's car had suddenly become the world's biggest litter pan—on wheels.

By now the dust had settled, literally, on everything. AHM and GGD were tryin' to help. Okay, AHM was tryin' to help. GGD was amusin' herself by makin' faces at the Boys. They looked like they had been dragged through a dirty cat pan upside down and backwards, and everything else was getting' covered with brown-gray film. SHF was tryin' to decide what smelled and what didn't which, considerin' the inside of the car, was pretty much a lost cause. She finally decided to jam all the smelly stuff in the trunk, so everything would stink equally I guess, but that still left the uphostery and the fe-lyings.

Ever try to wash a cat in a truckstop restroom?

Don't.

At least not based on the noise level GGD claims was comin' from behind the door, not to mention the amount of Band-Aids SHF needed when she came out.

She didn't think the guy inside the truckstop store believed AHM's explanation why she needed his whole stock of spray air freshener either. SHF musta' used at least one a day for what little good they did.

All in all I suppose drivin' over 1,500 miles, with no A/C, in the summer, in a car that's been…uh…annointed by a couple of idiot fe-lyings, beats dealin' with a few grouchy motel keepers and slow Internet connections.

Guess I'll go count my blessings.

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posted by Harrison at 9:10 PM

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