Harrison
Name:Harrison Location:United States

The Original Lovable Little Fuzzball

Here's the straight stuff.


The adventures of Harrison are true.
Try a few of his Crunchy Bites for a taste.
--Alpha Human Mom





Friday, July 30, 2004


Read Me

…or I'll whizz on your shoes.

All right, I'll be serious. But sometimes I do wonder who reads this. Not that isn't fun to toss my opinions around in public, you understand. It's not something I get to do real often since getting my point across usually involves lifting my leg on questionable targets. That's the sum total of my political commentary, but only because I couldn't get credentials for the Demo-cat Convention. (Guess it has somethin' to do with that lifting my leg business.) I've been dogging DOTUS' Barney's footsteps for an interview leading up to the Republican Convention, but so far he's been maintaining his "No Comment" attitude.

AHM says I’m "lite reading," good for the occasional laugh. Kinda' like the TV shows people watch but won't admit they watch. (She won't spring for the upgraded sitemeter stats, and they won't take Liver Snaps®, so I can't be sure.) But sometimes I can guess. Like the other day when we were scrolling through NRO's The Corner I saw Jed Babbin's post on General Shalikashvili's speech.

"General Shalikashvili's shallow shilling exercise last night left me a bit puzzled. Last night, he bought into the Clintonian theme of the convention: We can't win this fight alone. Kerry will pluck his magic twanger and all our old allies will suddenly come running back to our side to join the fight." [Emphasis mine.]

Ah ha! Heard that expression recently has he? Or maybe he's just as old as AHM and remembers where it started. [And how old would that be, hmmmm?--AHM] [Beats me, but it's gotta' be well over 200 in dog years--H.] (Btw, it really is "Plunk your magic twanger, Froggie.")

[While over at that site, I discovered Froggie had a couple of friends, one of which was Squeaky--a hamster that pretended to be a bicycle-riding mouse. Rather like Kerry pretending to be a Presidential candidate.--AHM]

[This is my blog, lady! I was getting' to the hamster story, so butt out!--H]

Okay, okay. I'm not that egotistical. Well, maybe I am but I deserve to be. Politics is funny. Humans are funny. So read on…before I have to lift my leg…


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posted by Harrison at 12:59 PM

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Thursday, July 29, 2004


Dumb-Ass Dogs

Remember me sayin' some dogs are not quite right in the brains department? See what I mean?

[A] woman said she was awakened Tuesday by a noise outside her house and found the canine attacking her [parked silver Ford Mustang convertible]. The animal fled when she walked outside to find a chewed-up windshield wiper, gnarled hood hinge covers and teeth marks on the car's molding. A deputy also reported finding extensive scratches to the car's body and saliva dripping from the vehicle.

If this sounds like somethin' that happens once in a blue moon, well, yeah. Except the dog was a few days early. Hey, he's a dog--we don't know astronomy from asparagus.


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posted by Harrison at 11:15 PM

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Update

Guess that mystery foreigner isn't stalking only the Maryland/DC area. A Texas vigilante bagged one in Elmendorf, TX (slide show link in the story) and reports are coming in from Alaska to Australia.

'Course it could be just the neighbor dog Simba after a night on the town.


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posted by Harrison at 11:12 PM

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Rat Terrorism

You've probably read that quote under our picture at the top. Jonah Goldberg at NRO understands the way of the world when it comes to who's really pullin' their weight in the War on Terror.

But just in case you fe-lying lovers out there think Jonah (and me) are being unduly harsh in our judgment, here's proof cats don't give a hairball about the terrorist threats we face.

"Portland resident Jason Reinhardt watches them on late-night walks around the waterfront. “I can see tons of them climbing up from the roped tires hanging over the river. They’re huge, and they’re not afraid of much,” he said.

"Rats are in no way new Portland residents, but local rat encounters like Reinhardt’s seem to be infiltrating office and happy hour conversations all over the city. Even local exterminators have noticed a pickup in their rat calls.
[…]
“We’re all in shock with the amount of rodents the city has to deal with,” Larsen said. “It used to be that we got more calls once the rains started and the rats moved inside, but nowadays the rodent season is year-round.”

Proof the fe-lyings are falling down on the job. Cats catch rats. (Jack Russells are supposed to do rats too, but ever since Eddie hit it big on Fraiser they're all obsessing about getting into show biz.)

"Bird lovers also may be inadvertently luring rats to their neighborhoods. “You’ll get a single individual who decides to feed pigeons in the park, for example, and rats start migrating to that area and the infestation becomes really obvious,” said county health officer Oxman"

That's what ya' get for feeding the pigeons, fool. And they don't appreciate it, either. All they give back is a white shower of poop. Just ask Rich Lowry over at NRO. ('Course he is covering the Demo-cat Convention so it might have been fallout from some of those shitty speeches.)

“Rodents were approaching people where they ate. When you see rats in the middle of the day, you know it’s bad,” Larsen said. “We set up 24 bait stations and we went through 28 pounds of rat poison in the first two weeks.”

Of course if all those people were walking with a dog they wouldn't have to worry about being approached by panhandling rats. You can't walk a cat on a leash, ya' know.

"But outside of encouraging people to keep their surroundings rodent-free, rats are going to coexist with humans. “There’s not a lot you can do to curb an entire rat population, besides taking away the food source,” said Ruedas, who then joked about unleashing wild cats into the city.

Yeah, cats are a joke, all right.

"But don’t laugh off the cat solution too quickly, said PGE Park spokesman Collin Romer. He’s referring to the notorious pack of feral cats — more than a dozen in all — that inhabit the area behind the bullpen in left field. PGE employees, who dubbed the area “Feral Cat Alley,” have even set up a feline feeding station. “A stadium has a lot of food scraps, and to not see a rat in four years — well, we owe that to the cats,” Romer said. “If the city has a problem with rats, I’d recommend some wild cats.”

Well, stop feeding the deadbeats, you idiot, and maybe they'll have to hunt for their own food like--oh--rats!

"Other creative suggestions to curb the local rat population: mandatory compost caps; a city-led rat campaign to raise awareness among the public; and even feeding the rodents birth control pills."

They'll have to check with the Scots to see if this plan will bear fruit--er--not bear fruit, that is. (No info on whether Planned Parenthood is offering free abortions.)

"So Portland rats — veiled in a kind of urban hear-no-evil, see-no-evil — may for now go officially uncounted."

Kinda' sounds like our immigration policy toward Muslims, doesn't it?


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posted by Harrison at 1:56 PM

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Wednesday, July 28, 2004


Smart-Ass Pups

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog isn't bad enough? What an effin' embarrassment he is--getting thrown out of Canada and the Demo-cat convention.

P&G Markets Pet Food to Make Puppies Smarter

"Cincinnati (AdAge.com) -- Pet food marketers have promised brighter coats, fresher breath and much more over the years, but Procter & Gamble Co. may be staking the biggest claim yet -- that reformulated Eukanuba makes puppies smarter."
[…]
"Eukanuba claims that increased levels of the Omega 3 fatty acid DHA in its food makes puppies easier to train by improving cognitive performance, targeting the No. 1 reason dogs are abandoned, sent to shelters and euthanized, said Dan Carey, veterinary researcher for P&G. “In the United States,” he said, “bad behavior kills more dogs than any single disease.”

No--it isn't. It's the humans, stupid! Why don't you feed them the new and improved Eukanuba? Then they won't let their dogs 1) romp the neighborhood streets and lawns (collarless and tagless) at will, 2) bark endlessly because they've been left alone for 12 hours at a time, or 3) chew up anything and anyone within reach of their jaws.

"P&G thoroughly vetted its claim. It tested 39 beagles in simple H-shaped mazes, where they were conditioned to find treats by following a path marked by a circle or square over the course of 30 days. Then, they were retrained the following 30 days with the symbols reversed.

Oh good. So if there's a maze between them and the outside door, they'll be housebroken in no time.

"About 70% of pups on the enhanced-DHA diet passed the test, compared to about 35% of pups on typical-DHA diets. Success was defined as going the right direction 80% of the time on two successive days in each version of the maze. “That’s a huge difference, which gives us great confidence it’s quite meaningful,” Mr. Carey said."

Well, I'll take their word for it, but I think it's all in the genes. Did all those pups have the same parents? Genetic manipulation isn't only for humans, ya' know. I've seen my share of really dumb dogs during my time in show business, and believe me, nine times out of ten it's because they're just not well bred. Suppose I should say they're bred for looks not smarts--sort of Anna-Nicole-Smith-meets-Adam-Sandler in the brains department. (No comment on the looks of that combination.)

Now I was bred for both (as you can tell) and my pups were the same. (Heddy was the exception that proved the rule, but I think that was because she hung out too much with Silly Human Female. Stupidity apparently is catching.)

Suffice it to say my kids were always real pistols. One bunch scared the shit out of AHM and me at a show. We were in the Group ring, doin' our thing, and the pups were in their pen about 100 yards away under a tree. Suddenly people are hollerin' "loose dogs" and we look up to see all four of the brats streaking across the field, noses to the ground, headed straight for us. Thank God a friend was sitting ringside with Grand Dam Bitch smack between them and us. When the pups paused to say hello, they got grabbed. Could've ruined my career, the little buggers.

AHM said later if they'd gotten into the ring she was going to pretend she didn't know them and yell "loose Yorkies." (Yeah, I know. How to make Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady even grouchier, right?) 'Course I would have smacked them silly on the spot--if the rest of the group didn't do it first. Terrier egos don't take kindly to getting gang tackled by a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears pups. You get the canine equivalent of Teresa Heinz-Kerry answering that reporter from Pittsburgh, only with lots of teeth involved.

Bottom line--I don't need my pups being fed anything that will make them smarter! But if they're offerin'--Silly Human Female could use some.


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posted by Harrison at 10:33 PM

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Tuesday, July 27, 2004


Get Real(ity), Demo-cats!

I don't watch TV. That's because I can't see the picture--most of us canines don't see very well, which is why we spend so much of our time nose to the ground. (There's a downside to that, but I'll go into it later.) Except for those sight hounds, of course, like the Borzoi and Irish Wolfhounds and Rhodesian Ridgebacks--Meryl Yourish's dog friends Worf and Willow--and Greyhounds. You probably already knew about Greyhounds. (I figure Greyhounds have no sense of smell 'cause they get so hot to chase a stupid mechanical rabbit around a track. C'mon guys--take a deep breath! Rabbits do not smell like WD-40!)

Anyway, like I said, I don't watch TV even though I occasionally like to pull AHM's chain and stare at that weird blob as if I did. We hear it though--doorbells always get Some Dogs excited--idiots. Usually we hear it too well. I guess I'm lucky AHM didn't turn on that Demo-cat convention. Frankly, I've heard enough screaming and squealing and snarling from that crowd to last me forever. (And boy, am I glad I never have to smell them!)

The other night AHM was talkin' about the convention and reading me an article from Yahoo News. Brian Lowry had some suggestions about how to make the Demo-cats more interesting. That's a lost cause, IMO (notice how I’m getting' the hang of this Internet shortpaw lingo), but his suggestions sure made AHM laugh. And since the news today is that the ratings are in the kitty litter pan, it seems the Demo-cats should have taken his advice.

"Far be it from me, however, to risk appearing cynical. My proposal is that the parties and networks simply haven't gone far enough in adapting these conventions to conform to current TV sensibilities and tastes. Those aforementioned reality shows might light the path toward how to transform the conventions into a ready-for-primetime player. This will require tradeoffs in terms of decorum, of course, but it's not like the events don't jump to TV's tune already.

"For starters, each convention could pick some loudmouth--say, Pat Buchanan or James Carville--and vote them out of the hall. Catering to local TV, organizers then could stage a high-speed chase outside the venue, or maybe through it."

AHM suggested they put Ted Kennedy in a '69 Cadillac and chase him across a bridge.

"Introducing a game element, NBC could unleash obnoxious "Access Hollywood" anchor Billy Bush (a George W. Bush cousin) on the convention floors, seeing how long attendees can endure talking to him as a clock runs in the screen's corner. Perhaps even fix up delegates from different states and send them out on a dinner date, returning the next night to see whether they hit it off. (Preferably said delegates will be single, but with the Democrats, you never know.)

[Oh, that's low. True, but really low--AHM]

[Not as low as a Cadillac can sink--H]

"Nor need the conventions be a money-losing proposition. Savvy sponsors should treat the showcase like a football halftime show, with the "Rolaids Party Platform Moment," "MasterCard 'Voting Is Priceless' Sweepstakes" and "Republican National Convention: Brought to You by Halliburton."

"Hey, it's showbiz, baby,…"

And I know showbiz, baby. So, ya' want a real sponsorship suggestion? "Democratic National Convention: Brought to You by "Shout®. Want tough stains out? SHOUT® 'Em Out!"


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posted by Harrison at 3:36 PM

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Monday, July 26, 2004


PETA Pecker Picker-Upper

These humans need to find a life--somewhere other than on a sidewalk.

"Boise (AP) - A scantily clad couple is free to canoodle on a downtown sidewalk as long as they're making a political statement, a city spokesman said."

Canoodle? I've heard of a Schnoodle. I've heard of a Cock-a-Poo, which I always thought was some XXX-rated aid-for-fun until AHM set me straight. (Not that she knows about those kinda' things, of course, except intellectually.) But what's a Canoodle when it's at home? A mix of Cairn and Poodle? Come to think of it, that might just be the case. Those poodles bitches have absolutely no taste sometimes. 'Course, when you get a eyeful of those male poodles prancin' around, you can see why their women go for guys with some rough and ready looks. But fickle?… Geeze those poodle babes are fickle. They'll give you the eye and wave their pompoms under your nose, then just as they got ya' rarin' to go, they'll mince off to someone else.

"The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals will be in Boise on Friday staging a "Live Make-Out Tour" to promote vegetarian eating, PETA spokesman Ravi Chand said."

I'm willin' to bet vegetarian isn't the only thing they'll be eatin' on this tour.

"The event - in which a couple will make out in a bed set up on a city sidewalk - is meant to demonstrate PETA's claims that vegetarians are better lovers, Chand said."

Humph! I've kept a whole harem satisfied and had six litters of champions with nary a complaint. All while chowing down meat and gnawing on rib bones. (Okay, so AHM slipped in an asparagus or two and a few green beans. That doesn't make me a vegetarian.)

"Though both the city and the state have public indecency laws, Zuzel said, but he did not believe the demonstration would violate them. Besides, he said, political events are given more leeway in the rules."

"…leeway in the rules?" How come I never get any "leeway in the rules?" If I try that kind of stuff, I get hosed down! Those veggies should take this bit of advice I found over at The Bad Dog List

"I will not cause a traffic jam by having sex with a collie in the middle of the road."


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posted by Harrison at 3:11 AM

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Saturday, July 24, 2004


Bird Terrorism

Running rampant.

"A BIRD dropping may have short-circuited a unit at the largest nuclear power complex in the US, causing the plant to shut down last month, investigators said.

"There were eyewitnesses," said Kwin Peterson, a spokesman for the Western Electricity Coordinating Council, which is looking into the incident at the Palo Verde Nuclear Generating Station that caused outages all the way to Canada. "There was a bird on a 230 kilovolt power line west of Phoenix, and as the bird took off, it let loose as birds often do."

"Investigators thought excrement contaminated an insulator and electricity flashed to the tower, creating a short."

This on the heels of the revelation that an avian suicide arsonist started a CA wildfire.

Why do they hate us?

More Bird Terrorism:
At least this is an original solution to the problem...

Council considers contraception for menacing seabirds

"Aberdeen city council says it might try to put seagulls on the pill in a bid to curb the menace caused by the birds. A report is being drawn up looking at various options including contraception after a two-year trial on pigeons apparently worked in Venice…

"Models imitating peregrine falcons have been tried in Moray and Banff and Buchan. The fake falcon involved a realistic model that flapped its wings and made hawkish sounds. It worked for a while in Fraserburgh but the gulls quickly discovered it wasn't a threat."

Haven't heard whether Planned Parenthood is offering free abortions.


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posted by Harrison at 5:19 PM

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Friday, July 23, 2004


Garfield Sticks it to the Kiddies

What did you expect?"

"A mother in Florida is outraged over a fast food restaurant's toy that appears to show the character Garfield making an obscene gesture by sticking up his middle finger."

He's a cat, stupid!

More Cat Sleaze: Just visited the Yorkie Lady and found a great cat joke. Read it here.


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posted by Harrison at 6:22 PM

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Oh, Plunk Your Magic Twanger, Froggie!

I have been dying to write that ever since I overheard AHM talking with a friend last evening.

'Course I haven't got a clue what it means except it's probably something dirty. I mean, I know what my twanger is. And I know nothin' twangs unless it's stiff which I have no problem with, naturally. And I figure it's got somethin' to do with the French, though the French aren't known for being stiff so how can they twang? I guess they must sometime since there are Frenchies in France even though the Muslims are all over the country like fleas on a cat.

But I'm sure TV's involved, so maybe AHM was talkin' about what Mr. Minority wrote.

"This morning I was watching Fox Sports, and they were showing the Lance Armstrong's latest stage victory at the Tour de Pigs. As Lance was approaching the Finish line, you could see some of that country's unwashed, SPITTING ON HIM!!"

Mr. Minority is a great guy, but he does have a fe-lying as a fact checker, so I did a bit of pawing around myself and it's true. Even the Tour director was upset enough to comment.

L’ALPE D’HUEZ, France - Tour de France director Jean-Marie Leblanc admitted he had seen fans spit at five-times champion Lance Armstrong during the 15.5-km time trial to L’Alpe d’Huez on Wednesday.
[…]
“Until this morning, everybody thought this time trial was a good idea and now we realised it was not so. There were lots of aggressive fans surrounding the riders and I even saw two idiots spit at Lance Armstrong.”

Spit. Twanging. Froggies. Sounds like their speed.


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posted by Harrison at 11:55 AM

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Thursday, July 22, 2004


Politics Goes to the Dogs

Well, here's a interesting candidate.

"Ridgefield, WA. As this Columbia River town searches for a new city manager, one candidate appears to have two legs up over the others. Signs have popped up all over the city in support of Otis, an 11-year-old Boston terrier.

"Donna Quall was one of the first to put an "OTIS FOR CITY MANAGER" sign up in the window of her gift shop earlier this month. "A doggone improvement," the sign declares.

"No one's saying who made the fliers, complete with a profile shot of Otis and a disclaimer that the signs were paid for by the "he will do better than the last guy committee."

"Ridgefield's former city manager, Randy Bombardier, was placed on administrative leave in March, then fired after being accused of removing lead-based paint from City Hall without public safety or environmental precautions."

Hmmm. I notice Otis doesn't list his political affiliation. And he is from Boston. I'll bet he's in the pocket of radical environmentalists too. Does he agree with that idiotic King County, WA proposal of the 65-10 Rule?

"Residents of King County, Wash., will only be able to build on 10 percent of their land, according to a new law being considered by the county government, which, if enacted, will be the most restrictive land use law in the nation."

Now I’m all in favor of open space for us to run and play, but I don't think they're taking into account the toxic bug problem (remember fleas, ticks, and mosquitoes, people?--heartworm? West Nile Virus?) not to mention the possible influx of nefarious foreigners slipping over the WA/Canada border.

Better keep an eye on this Otis character. Check out his handlers. Is he truly an Alpha or just a frontdog for special interests? We'll probably discover he's just another tax-and-spend Demo-cat in disguise.


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posted by Harrison at 12:26 PM

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Notify Immigration

…and call Michelle Malkin. Our borders are absolutely porous. These mysterious provocateurs are slipping across one by one.

There may be more than one mystery animal running around Maryland -- there are pictures from a sighting in Harford County… [Lisa] Mathis's sighting occurred about a year ago. They didn't think much of it until last week when home video of a very similar looking beast appeared on WBAL-TV in Baltimore.
[…]
But even with maybe more than one so-called hyote running loose, DNR [Department of Natural Resources] is going to leave the beast or beasts alone for now. "We would respond if we knew we had a public safety situation developing," said Peditto. "If we had an animal that was acting in a way that would put people in danger, we would respond immediately." The only way to find out what the animal is would be to trap it, but DNR says it would only do that if the animal were seen as a threat

Hrumph. "If we had an animal that was acting in a way that would put people in danger, we would respond immediately." That Peditto dude sounds like he's running our national airline security program. So much for the doctrine of preemption. Guess we'll have to wait until pets begin dying all over Maryland before he'll do anything constructive!


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posted by Harrison at 11:55 AM

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004


Gratuitous Squirrel Sleaze

I can hear Cosmo smacking his lips…

Sexy Squirrel


I found it at Blog Dogs run by Woody and Chigger. They haven't been around for quite a few months, though. Probably out chasing some bushy tail.

Chigger is quite literate but Woody… Well, Woody has some overbearing habits and decidedly odd tastes.

"…the fact that eye'm a total sucker four kinky squirrel porno spam. arf arf arf. ewe no why? because it's really hard for a squirrel two run fast in high heels. har har har."

'Course Woody is a year and a half older since he posted that, so maybe he's learned a thing or two by now.


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posted by Harrison at 1:29 PM

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Tuesday, July 20, 2004


Mystery Foreigner Lurks Outside D.C.

A possible new terrorist threat? Or…?

God knows what, frankly.

"A mystery animal is on the loose in Baltimore County and not even the experts can pin down what it is. A Glyndon man found a way to secretly record the beast while it grazed in his yard. For a while it was just lurking in the woods watching the Wroe family until the Wroes started watching it.

"Jay Wroe: "My truck was parked here, started getting in my truck. I kind of saw it there where the sunlight is and said what in the world is that?… The next day, I hooked up just portable motion detectors, and put them down back in the woods there." The trap worked. "Very bizarre. I went and got my father and cousin and they came and looked at it and their reactions were pretty much the same -- what in the world are we looking at?"

Is it real or is it Photoshopped?

"Kim Carlsen: "It comes to our house. It's been up in the woods for a while and it comes up through the bottom of our yard and eats our cat food."

Hmmmm… Do John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge know about this collusion between fe-lyings and the mystery beast? Was this potential threat detailed in those classified documents Sandy Berger had stuffed in his knickers?

"Despite the fact it's lurking in these woods and no one knows when or where it will come out, no one here seems afraid of it… Even the other neighborhood animals like Bullwinkle the dog next door seem okay with the beast."

Bullwinkle? How much are you gettin' paid to look the other way, Bullwinkle? And what was your real relationship with that flying squirrel?! He wasn't named "Rocky" for nothin', ya' know…

"Kim Carlsen: "It's not afraid of the cats and the cats seem to get along with it fine."

Yeah, well, the cats are providing food and a safe haven, aren't they? Wha'd'ya expect?

"The beast is not shy, and visits most often under bright sun.

All the better for takin' pictures of its potential targets.

"While no one here knows what it is, they do have a name for it -- the hyote, a combination of a hyena and a coyote."

Ya' know, I never bought that jackalope story and I'm not too sure I'm buyin' this one. Three-Foot was the Alpha leader of the coyote pack that hunted on the edge of our ranch in CA. I knew ole' Three-Foot. He was a friend of mine. And son, you are no part of Three-Foot.

The rest of you can decide for yourself.

Hyote


NOTE: [I cropped the right side and top only--AHM.]


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posted by Harrison at 11:44 PM

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Boston Demo-cats

Stingy, Stinky, and just plain Trashy

It was only common sense: Take the public trash cans off Boston streets and remove potential hiding places for bombs during the Democratic National Convention. But what security planners and city officials didn't count on was that people would still throw garbage into the black metal frames that held the cans.
[…]
Pretty it wasn't on Beacon Hill [home to John Kerry] yesterday. Under blooming window boxes and faux gaslights on the hill's quaint, tony main streets, Starbucks Coffee cups and cigarette butts toppled out of the trash can frames onto narrow brick sidewalks. Over the weekend, city workers began removing public trash cans on much of Charles and Cambridge streets. By yesterday afternoon, complaints flooded the local neighborhood association, and many business owners fumed as they watched the trash pile up outside their stores.


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posted by Harrison at 10:44 AM

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Monday, July 19, 2004


Update on Flush the Johns

Wind Rider over at Silent Running has a nominee for the perfect Demo-cat Convention mascot.


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posted by Harrison at 1:43 AM

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Sunday, July 18, 2004


Lawn and Garden Advice

Since Martha Stewart is out of commission for a few months, I thought I'd pick up the slack to ease the transition.

Today was lawn-mowing day. Not our favorite activity but if AHM didn't push the effin' machine around from time to time we'd all get lost in the tall grass. Little Girl really hates it--barks like mad and tries to attack the mower. She comes from a broken home and is a few scoops short of a full bag of dog food, if you get my meaning.

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, we're entertaining. For the past few days Miss Garbo has been with us while her humans are on vacation. (We're just good friends, okay?--so you National Enquirer people can stop calling.) Garbo is one gorgeous bitch--elegant, snowy white (when she arrives, that is) with refined features and a plumey tail. She can be eccentric, though, like her namesake. (Speaking of being a few scoops short…)

Lawn-mowing is a noisy, smelly, but generally uneventful activity--if you ignore Little Girl, that is. Except for today. So--because of today--here's the first two of my lawn and garden tips:

Tip #1 for AHM: scoop before you mow so the supervisory crew doesn't get smacked in the kisser with mower-chopped pieces of petrified dog poop.

Tip #2 for Miss Garbo: those pieces are not the newest taste sensation from Kibbles'n Bits®. Neither are they being thrown up so you can leap about like a demented kangaroo, snapping them from mid air and landing squarely on yours truly. That does not endear you to me, no matter how sexy you are. Do it again and I guarantee you will go home with a few less plumes in your tail. Got it?

Next time: a discussion of weeding and mulching--dog style.


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posted by Harrison at 10:50 PM

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In the Deep Waters of the Surf…

Is Sonya Fitzpatrick a real person?

Supposedly this Sonya broad can teach humans how to talk to the animals--if you buy her book, of course. (Oh, Tinkerbell… Where aaarrrre you…?)

From "Seven Secrets of Pet Communication" at the site:

"Ask if there is anything your pet would like you to do for him. Imagine your animal is sending an answer back to you and accept whatever you receive in your imagination."

If I want something, you won't have to use your imagination to read my mind. I am quite capable of getting it myself.

[He is too. I had to put baby-proof latches on the lower cabinets to keep him out. He was distributing free Liver Snaps® to all--AHM]

Moving on…

Is this a real place?

"Over 2,500 dogs are already enjoying a better life at Dog Island. Separated from the anxieties of urban life, dogs on Dog Island are healthy dogs who live a natural, healthy and happy life, free from the stress and hardship associated with daily live [sic] among humans.

"They live with almost limitless space, and tens of thousands of rabbits, rodents, fish and other natural prey. Surrounded by thousands of other dogs, this is the only place for them to be truly social and create healthy families."

Ya' know, some people think I'm weird for writing a blog. Well, let me tell you, there's nothin' I've found out there more weird than these people. Check out their FAQ.

Someone's livin' the high life on donations and it ain't the canines.


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posted by Harrison at 9:55 PM

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Dogs Who Blog

While digging through the 'net for more dogs that blog, I discovered one of best--Bacchus - the doG of Whine.  Wow! He's a true vet (as in veteran). He's a Jack Russell but I'll forgive him since he's also Australian. Anyway, he's big enough to rate a major mention in Misty Harris' article about blogging dogs. I don't agree with everything she wrote but hey, she's only a human so I'll cut her some slack.

"Internet Goes to the Dogs with Blawgers"

"Baptizing themselves blawgers, some people are choosing to write online diaries not as themselves but as their canine companions. One of the most infamous dog blogs -- written from the perspective of Paris Hilton's chihuahua, Tinkerbell -- is being turned into a book, which will hit Canadian stores this September."

"Blawgers?" Whose crappy idea was that? Not mine, that's for sure. Dlogers maybe. Even Plawgers. Blawgers sounds like a name for a cat blog. Say it while hacking up a fur ball and you sorta' got the same sound.

"I thought about a frustrated, working-class person forced to live alongside Paris Hilton as her pet and the (blog) wrote itself," says Dong Resin, the pseudonymous author of The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries."

Tinkerbell? Only Paris Hilton would stick a dog with a name like Tinkerbell. Even if it was only a chihuahua. Then again, maybe it's something about their chihuahua-ness that tempts people to plaster them with stupid-ass names--like Pumpkin.

"In February, when Resin first penned his fictional diary of Hilton's exploits, each entry was as unforgiving as it was witty. An editor at Warner Books saw the series of Internet posts and helped him turn the material into a full-length book."

So the chihuahua gets a book deal and I get nada? What does Tinkerbell know about life? Okay, so she probably does have more brains than Paris Hilton--that's not sayin' much, ya' know. And don't think I'm gonna' buy the book to find out. Probably just a bunch of sleaze and porn anyway. You want sleaze and porn? I can give you sleaze and porn. Let me just tell ya' about…

[Not now, Harrison--AHM]

[Oh, all right. But I'm gonna' do it someday--H]

"According to University of British Columbia professor Stanley Coren, a world-renowned dog behaviourist and psychologist, dog blogging is a sign of affection. Although most blawgers have naive perceptions of how their pets think, he says trying to adopt a dog's point of view can be a healthy exercise."

He must be talkin' about Silly Human Female's "naïve perceptions" because AHM understands us pretty well. 'Course it's easy with the pups since they have a totally one-track point of view--leading straight to food.

I, on the other paw, understand the more subtle nuances of communication--the long-suffering sigh, the well-timed, drawn-out yarraugh. Both are really good to use if one of AHM's music students is having a bad lesson. Embarrasses the shit out of them, but they deserve it. (And it's more polite than howling which is what my kid Hemingway does.) I've also perfected the cold, aristocratic stare for those jerks who call me "cute." (Then I piss on their shoes.)

"If we love (our dogs) dearly, we're always trying to crawl inside their heads and figure out what's going on," he says. "And if we love them dearly enough, we want other people to share in the dog's expertise."

Share my expertise, huh? Okay, here's some (from me, not AHM) for wanna' be show business dogs. (You know who you are. Your human got suckered into payin' big bucks because someone waved around a paper full of fancy names that no one will ever know much less actually call you. When you get back to their place you'll end up being Chipper or Spot or Gonzo--or Tinkerbell.)

Anyway, when (if?) you ever get into the show ring, use body language to make your point and pad your success. Got a male judge? Swagger. Puff out your chest. Hold that tail and chin up. Stride out when you circle the ring. If it's a female judge, flirt. Look her straight in the eye and smile. Add an extra wiggle to your butt when you're walkin' up and back. (Women love a sexy butt.) Cock your head a little when you look up at her and flash another biiiiiggg smile, with a little wink if you can master it. (Naturally you females out there will want reverse the order unless you know somethin' special about the judge. But don't go getting' toooo Alpha. That could backfire.)
 
And while we're on the subject of expertise--let's see Mr. squiffy dog behaviourist Coren stand up on one of those rubber-topped tables and smile nice while getting groped from one end to the other.

"Very often, we use the positive image that dogs present as a way of shedding a positive image on ourselves," Coren explains."

Yeah well, you can try. SHF tried to use us all the time--passing herself off as a dog person all the while bein' sneakier and lower than a fe-lying.

Someday I'll tell the stories…


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posted by Harrison at 4:13 PM

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Saturday, July 17, 2004


Flush the Johns

….if you can. There's gonna' be a whizzing mess in Boston during that Demo-cat convention.

"When you gotta go, you gotta go - unless you're in town for the Democratic National Convention.

"Party-hearty Democrats may have to hold it or commune with the great outdoors of downtown Boston, a fact that has city officials suddenly panicked. Pols are terrified over the 11th-hour realization that Boston's handful of public toilets shut down at 5 p.m. sharp - long before the 35,000 convention-goers stagger into the streets after last call in local bars.
[…]
"The people who live around here, they're going to have people urinating in their back yards or against their walls or behind their businesses,'' City Councilor Maura A. Hennigan said. "Very unpleasant.''

What is their problem? Everyone knows Demo-cats own Boston. They're just marking their territory. We do it all the time and no one raises a stink. Personally I find it more disgusting when they do their dirty business behind closed doors.

Back during the Dandylion days, Silly Human Female actually bought one of those thingys you put on a toilet seat so a fe-lying can use the john! Whoo boy--did AHM have a fit over that. Talk about dumb inventions. I mean, would you want to use the bathroom after the cat had been there?

"I think we can flush these fears away,'' [Boston Mayor Thomas M.] Menino spokesman Seth Gitell said. "We're confident that just like for a major sporting event, this city will be well-positioned in this area.''
 
"Convention officials wanted nothing to do with the dicey issue.

"We're not responsible for putting port-a-potties all throughout the city,'' said Karen Grant, spokeswoman for Boston 2004, the convention's host committee."

Port-a-potties? Nasty things. AHM used to get stuck using those at the shows and even I had to hold my breath sometimes. And AHM says there might be rogue packs of protesters roaming the streets. Give 'em more shit to spread around, why don't you.
 
Just another example of how dumb, dumb, dumb those Demo-cats are.
 


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posted by Harrison at 12:50 PM

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Friday, July 16, 2004


Mystery Solved

Many thanks to The Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady for posting the solution of the lawn ornament mystery. I missed that one m'self. Been entertaining company for a few days. (No--not that kind of entertaining. Not that I couldn't, mind you. She can't.)

Police Camera Solved Mystery of Missing McLean Lawn Ornaments

"The thief -- caught in the act on police video that was broadcast on national television -- didn't show even a hint of remorse when he showed up on Ruth Breiner's McLean doorstep Friday evening.

"The man with him began apologizing profusely, Breiner said, and handed over the ceramic fawns, chipmunk, squirrels and foxes that had decorated her front yard before they were stolen in the dead of night. Then a woman walked up, and she, too, said she was sorry.
 

"But Magnum, the bandit, who happens to be a 110-pound black Labrador retriever, just sat on Breiner's stoop while his victim patted his head.

"He was just sitting there, that silly dog," Breiner, 75, said. "I couldn't get mad at him. They are big, old, slobbering dogs that are friendly as all that."

No remorse. Not a shred. I don't know about you, but I think the cops should throw the book at him. He ccouldn't even be bother to say he was sorry! He should count himself lucky the old lady wasn't packing heat! Memo to future thieves. Slobber and be friendly and you'll get away with anything.

"Magnum had delivered two figurines to his owners in recent months, Grinnan said, but they didn't learn the scope of his thievery until the Fourth of July weekend, when they discovered a stash of the animal figurines in their back yard."

See--ole Magnum knew exactly what he was doing--even knew enough to hide his ill-gotten gains. Big mistake using his owners as his fences, though. Should have known they'd rat him out.
 



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posted by Harrison at 2:28 PM

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Pandemic Pet Pudginess

I was sorry to read about Willow's problems over at Meryl Yourish's blog. Dieting--yeech. Never had to myself. AHM doesn't let anyone feed us from the table and there's none of that leaving the food down all day long. And now Meryl is stuck with putting Tig and Gracie on a diet too! Yeah, they really did look pissed off. No one around here likes having their toenails clipped. Mostly we suck it up, but one or two of the pups always have to do their version of Wrestlemania with the vet.

So for those people having trouble with pet diets, I ran across this article that might help. Now there's another option

"It's a dog-eat-too-much world"
 
"The only evidence of the waddling and the slowness and the shortness of breath is two small rectangles of shaved hair enveloping two inch-long scars. That's where the veterinarian sucked the fat from Pumpkin's hips."

Yes, you read that correctly. It's pup liposuction! Pumpkin no longer looks quite so much like a--well--pumpkin. Ever notice how human's names for pets always seem to morph into the pet's personalities? Hmmm--something to think about when you get that new baby pet.

"It was about three quarters of a pound of fat," confided owner Jessie Schultz. "Before, it was really an effort for her to walk."

"Now she trots, a little brown sausage of a Chihuahua on four short, sturdy legs. On a recent visit to Boca Greens Animal Hospital in Boca Raton, she weighed 11.4 pounds, down from 12.1. That's good progress, said visiting registered veterinary technician Heather Prendergast, but Pumpkin — how to put this delicately? — is still one whopping Chihuahua. Perhaps a firmer hand in monitoring and doling out the food, Prendergast advised.

"How the hell can I measure calories for a dog?" Schultz asked.

"Try, said Prendergast."

I'm guessing here that Schultz is no Svelte Suzy herself. I imagine them strolling down the street with the thunder of thighs and wheeze of bellows echoing back and forth from Schultz to Pumpkin.

"The best thing you can do is don't let your pets get overweight," she said. "But if they are, work on getting the weight off. We need to control what they eat."

"That can be hard, said Brian Boss, a veterinarian at Boca Greens, because pet owners tend to equate food with love. They reward their pets for being so good with high-fat treats. And many pets don't get enough exercise, he said, perhaps because it's so hot in the summer and because it's harder for senior pet owners to take their pets out for a walk or to play. "Walking around the block really isn't enough exercise," Boss said.

It is if you're a foot high and a foot and a half long, buster! Don't forget I have to take a half-dozen steps for every one AHM takes--and she's no piker when it comes to her evening power walks. 'Course I do plenty of running around on fe-lying patrol.

"Another problem is that people get very defensive about their pets. Often, when the veterinarian gently suggests the pet is overweight, the sputtering starts: But but but ... he's not fat, he's fluffy. He's big-boned. He's just right.

His belly is supposed to drag on the ground!

"Prendergast advised Schultz to give Pumpkin and her other dog, Angel, just the low-calorie food, rather than mixing it with chicken. Also, maybe cut down on the treats and try not to share the morning croissant with Pumpkin.

Schultz protested a little. "I don't think chicken is bad for them."

"Remember, it's our overall calorie content that we have to think about it," Prendergast said. "I think maybe they're eating a little bit more than we realize."

Schultz shrugged. It's just that the kiddos like their dessert of a dog cookie, which they get after making a poop, she said. It's the calories in the cookies, though, that add up, Prendergast reminded.

Dessert for making a poop? Oh pu-leeze! This broad sounds like Silly Human Female. The bitches thought SHF was wonderful, always sneaking them treats when AHM wasn't looking. (Until they had to go on a diet, that is.) Of course, I knew it was just a bribe. SHF is an Omega-human. (Actually if there was a Greek letter lower than Omega, she'd be that.) No one listened to her, so she used bribery to get attention. We knew. So we used her.

That's our job.




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posted by Harrison at 2:13 PM

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004


Chips versus "Pfc." Hammer

I report--you decide.

Tabby gets military rank after Iraq tour

"He has been through mortar attacks," said Bousfield, a 19-year Army veteran. "He'd jump and get scared liked the rest of us. He is kind of like one of our own."

Pfc. Hammer got his name from the unit that adopted him, Team Hammer. Soldiers would tuck Hammer in their body armor during artillery attacks, and in return, Hammer chased mice in the mess hall.

Somehow I don't think this fe-lying is part of Hammer's Slammers

[That's science fiction--AHM.]

[So's the cat--H.]

"He was a stress therapist," Bousfield said. "The guys would come back in tired and stressed. Hammer would come back and bug the heck out of you. He wiped away some worries."

Stress therapist? Maybe they should have named him "Dr. Phil" instead.

The kitten earned his rank after nabbing five mice."

Okay--the fe-lying catches five mice which, considering all the rats running around Iraq these days, is a paltry effort. (He ain't no "Army of One," that's for sure.) So the fat cat gets an official army rank.

On the other paw, Chips captured an entire German machine gun snipers' nest and ended up with squat.

I feel an analogy coming on…

[Should I call the vet?--AHM]

[Ha ha. Just type what I tell you!--H]

John Kerry gets a scratch in Vietnam (probably from some fe-lying they won't talk about) and is a "war hero."

President Bush is fighting an international war on terror, defeated two murderous dictatorships in three years, and the Demo-cats are still trying to say he was AWOL.

Dug up at The Corner.


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posted by Harrison at 10:37 PM

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Cosmo Gets it Right

Oh yeah, so does Jonah, I suppose.

DOGS OF WAR Vs. CATS OF WAR [Jonah Goldberg & Cosmo]

"If you search for Dogs of War on the web you get all sorts of sites like this, about dogs of war. If you search for cats of war the internet laughs at you."

Nah, I never would have been accepted as a war dog. Couldn't meet the height requirement. But follow the link and scroll down to find the story of Chips.

"Shortly after Chips and the men had made their way ashore and established a beachhead on Sicily, the soldiers, thinking they were momentarily out of danger, slowly inched their way to an abandoned pillbox where they decided to take a short rest. Tired and weary, Chips, however, could not relax. His senses told him there was danger nearby and suddenly he broke away from his handler - violating a sacred rule - dashed across a stretch of No Man's Land. A bullet pierced his body, but he ignored the pain and threw himself into an enemy machine gun nest. The firing stopped. There was deadly silence, and for a moment Chips was not seen or heard. When his comrades got to the scene, they saw Chips holding onto the throat of the enemy gunner, and five other terrified men with their arms raised in surrender

"In tribute to Chips, the men he had saved were determined to honor him. Lieutenant Lucian Truscott, who later became a general, recommended Chips for the Silver Star and Purple Heart, citing how "his courageous action in single-handedly eliminating a dangerous machine-gun nest and causing the surrender of its crew had prevented injury and death to his men."

"Chips would have been the most highly decorated dog in history, but he was denied medals because he had broken away from his handler, and because the Army's top brass stated that the Silver Star and Purple Heart were for men, not dogs."

So, how did John Kerry qualify?


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posted by Harrison at 10:02 PM

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Kennedy Whacks Away at Getting Down and Dirty

What? Oh. No. Not that kind of "whacking." I have it on good authority he leaves that to Clinton these days.

Every few days, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy can be seen on Capitol Hill hitting tennis balls to his Portuguese water dogs, Sunny and Splash. He typically does this on a grassy area near his office in the Russell Building or, if he has time before work, on a field near the entrance to the FDR Memorial.

That link's for the AKC site. They say there's two ways of grooming/clipping a PWD--or is it PAD--or WMD? Oh, nevermind. There's one way on their website and the other one is here. That second one is just embarrassing.

"Now whaddaya want, now whaddaya want?" the senator yells to Splash, playfully whacking him on the head. "Good boy, yes, yes -- g'boy, g'boy." Kennedy shouts -- if one can imagine this -- in an upper-crust New England dialect of canine baby talk. "Gimme the booolll now, gimme the booolll now."

"Whacking him on the head?" Has PETA heard about this? The ASPCA? Listen buddy boy, you whack me on the head with that cat-gut tennis racket and I'll give you your ball, all right. Both of them. One at a time.

[Bizarre treatment of dogs must be a Democrat tradition. Remember the furor when LBJ picked up his beagles by the ears?--AHM]

"The image of Kennedy in person is even more startling when his white dress shirt is soaked with sweat and he is carrying a bag of dog poop. That was the case on a recent Friday morning as Kennedy hauled himself around the grass near the FDR Memorial. "You've gotta' like a senator who is a pooper picker-upper," says one onlooker, Connie Thompson of Laurel.

"Jim Manley, Kennedy's press secretary, offers to take the bag. But the senator waves him away with his tennis racket. There is principle at stake here, which is more important than a poopless photo op: Kennedy is a figure of larger-than-life personality, achievement and baggage who remains at ease with dirty work, be it in the service of his dogs or a presidential campaign."

The writer sure got that backwards. Five'll getcha' ten Ready Teddy hung on to that bag because it was a poopy photo op. And does "…remains at ease with dirty work…" mean the same as getting down and dirty with a waitress under the table? 'Course at his age he probably can't get it up and dirty anyway.


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posted by Harrison at 8:25 PM

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Sunday, July 11, 2004


Come to the Cabaret…

I came, I saw, I have a hangover…

Dancing dogs take their partners for centre's canine cabaret night"

"You may not fancy the idea of a tango with a terrier or a polka with a poodle but it wouldn't faze the 200 animal lovers who flocked to a pet care centre in Leeds."

Tango with a terrier? Reality check here. This terrier don't tango! I tangle--and I only tangle with pseudo-studs and fe-lyings who try to move in on my territory. And the occasional hot babe who visits for my attentions…

"Many of them have been literally swept off their feet by their four-legged friends in a doggy-dancing craze which has seen bow-wows bop to anything from Riverdance to Hound Dog. Leading the panting dance troupe in the three-hour "Canine Cabaret Night" at the newly-opened Mypetstop in Tingley was celebrity trainer Mary Ray."

Ooooo. I'm all tingly at the thought of a bow-wow bop… (Okay, sorry. It was too easy.)

"Mrs Ray first began using musical routines to teach dogs obedience in 1990. Since then her "heel to music" techniques have been demonstrated at top dog show Crufts and on numerous TV programmes, including recent hit series Faking It. She and her husband-manager, Dave Ray, estimated there were at least 1,000 dogs dancing in the UK."

Ya' know, once upon a time the sun never set on the British Empire. Now we know why the sun went down. Embarrassment.

"[Mrs. Ray] insisted that her canine choreography did not degrade dogs and that it was not unusual behaviour for dogs to stand on their hind legs. "When people dance around their rooms at home most dogs try and join in," she said, "and getting up on their back legs is quite natural for them."

This lady has it soooo wrong. First, AHM doesn't dance around her rooms. (Okay, she did a couple of times when she was watching that Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" video, but the pups and me handled that. Note for future reference: video tape is much harder to bite through than originally expected--it stretches.)

Second, it is not natural for me to get up on my back legs unless there's a cute babe involved. And displaying my swag for all to see? Not that it isn't impressive, mind you, but finding a raincoat in my size is a bitch.

"The owner of six dogs herself, Mrs Ray said border collies were the quickest to learn steps, golden retrievers looked "nice and stylish" when they got going and poodles loved to act the clown anyway. And Great Danes did a great Scooby Do routine."

Border collies again! I told you they were suck-ups. French poodles? Hell! Where's that groundhog when you need him? As far as Great Danes… From what I've heard, that Scooby Do dog is a total embarrassment to them. And golden retrievers are "nice and stylish?" Suuurre they are--like Chewbacca doing the cha-cha.

"…Beryl Naden, of Kippax, said she would not be dancing in the street with her borderline [sic] terrier Jess just yet. [I think the writer meant border terrier.] The pet-lover, in her sixties, said she and her pet had tried dancing together to Mozart. She said: "We only did it once and we weren't very good at all. But we enjoyed it and will try it again."

On the other paw, they're both "borderline" if they were trying out the minuet. Imagine Miss Marple and Benji…

"…Dorothy Harvey…said she already sang to her dogs so jiving round the room with them certainly would not be a problem. ["Jiving round the room?" Someone hose this writer down, please.] "We have just got a new Cavalier King Charles puppy. He's a bright little thing but I'm not sure which music we'll do it to," she said."

He's a fop. But hey, anything is possible. Dim the lights, put out some fresh-dried liver, and try Ravel's Bolero. That's one of my favorites to "do it to."

"…Mrs Ray is…due to visit the US, New Zealand, Australia and South Korea – where a training centre has been set up at the Seoul headquarters of electronics company Samsung to try to change attitudes in the country towards man's best friend."

Oh damn. That's all we need to do! Drive Kim Chong-il into dropping a big one over the border.


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posted by Harrison at 12:14 PM

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Saturday, July 10, 2004


Human Social Disorder

Sounds like somethin' that should be treated with a shot of penicillin, doesn't it? But everyone seems to be talkin' about it these days, and shutting down their blog "comments" because the debate has come as close to virtual reality blows as it can without entering real reality. Just some samples:

Michelle at A Small Victory (and The Command Post).

"The more I think about it, the more I realize that the problems bloggers are having with commenters is just a microcosm of what's going on at large in the country today."

CJ at The Unmentionables doesn't appear very sympathetic with the post-9/11 righties, however.

"For many of those now complaining of how "personalized" the insults have become--those only-slightly-left-of-center people who made an abrupt right turn after 9/11--the invectives leveled against every Republican and/or conservative from Newt Gingrich on down were just fine--and probably justified.

"Today, with the popularity and influence of blogging, the insults are directed against them and they don't like it very much.

"Welcome to the trenches, people. Pardon me if I don't cry for you… [W]hile your sleep is troubled with nightmares of a return to the 60's, remember you were the enablers for all the ensuing years. Now you deal with it."

Oookaaay

Jim at Smoke on the Water (who sounds like a great guy except for--once again {sigh}--the cat situation) recalls a time not quite so long ago.

"Our Hard Hats of today are beating the Left without having to resort to using pipes wrapped in flags, crowbars or the like. Instead, they're educated, informed, articulate and bold beyond words. And the Left fears them more than they ever feared taking a beating in '68.

"In 1968, the hippies loved having film-clips of their bloodied visages playing on the evening news. Such images turned sympathies to their cause, no matter how wrong they actually were.

"And we're not giving them those images to play with, this time. At least, not yet. And not unless it comes to us defending ourselves, our families and homes and our Nation.

"But if it comes to that, we're ready.

"My God, how we are ready."

The Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady (who isn't grouchy at all but that wouldn't matter anyway 'cause she has DOGS) has it right.

"So while I agree with Michelle that we are standing at the edge of a significant social and political divide, I don't agree that the right is equally culpable in bringing us there, or that we are all "victims and losers" in the cultural war that is brewing.

It sure as hell wasn't right-wing conservatives at that Kerry/Edwards fundraiser conveying "…the heart and soul of our country."

Listen, I'll talk smack about a cat, tackle 'em, tree 'em, and generally harass 'em, but I really don't want them all dead unlike this guy in Washington State. (Citizen Smash warns to click at your own risk and he's right.) Cats have their place--killing the mice and shrews and voles and moles I don't have time to bother with. (What? You think I'm gettin' my paws dirty digging for vermin? That "terra" business is highly overrated.) I'm not too sure the Demo-cats feel the same way about me and mine.

Canines are very society-oriented. We understand that alpha males (and alpha females) are necessary for an orderly society. Of course we do tend to beat the shit out of the other guy to get the upper paw, but hey--we're dogs for cryin' out loud! Still, we have pack laws we follow and a pecking order. Generally we respect our alpha without a lot of major pissing contests. (At least none that he can see, anyway.)

When you're in show business you're up against a lot of alphas. You get twenty of us terriers in a Group ring and you've almost got enough accumulated egos to equal one Michael Moore. Yet somehow we don't end up in a huge snarling, ripping mass in the center of the arena. Oh yeah, we hated each other's guts (especially that snotty dude owned by Dr. William Cosby) but we managed to respect each other's status in caninedom.

And if you didn't? Well, there was one obnoxious Cairn who thought he'd push his luck a couple of times. At Pebble Beach (CA) one year he carried on growling and yapping "Kill the Scottie" and "The Lakeland Lied" and "Impeach the Airedale." His human alpha just laughed and thought it was a great campaign tactic. The sucker got thrown out of the competition on his fat butt.

Demo-cats (and their alpha handlers) should get the same treatment.


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posted by Harrison at 12:13 PM

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***Breaking News!--10:30 am EDT***

The war against "cute houses" is spreading.

FOX News is reporting this morning on a string of thefts in Virginia--no town or county named (and no link on the FOX site). Ceramic bunnies, chicks, ducks, and geese, small trolls and other lawn ornaments are mysteriously vanishing from homeowners' property. Although the thief remains at large, video surveillance has finally caught the perpetrator on tape--a black Labrador!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Your canine on the scene will follow-up whenever more news breaks.)


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posted by Harrison at 11:21 AM

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Friday, July 09, 2004


Paws Against the Wall, Cat…

…and spread 'em.

W. Va. murder defendant, 14, flees after placing home monitoring device on cat

"PRINCETON, W.Va. (AP) - A 14-year-old girl under house arrest on charges of murdering her father escaped after allegedly cutting an electronic monitoring device off her ankle and gluing it to a cat, authorities said.

Glue? What were those two doing when that plan was hatched? Sniffing it?

"Police searched on Wednesday for Kayla Marie LaSala, who fled an uncle's house early Saturday. If she thought pinning the device to the cat would fool authorities, it did not work: An alarm went off when a circuit in the device was broken, officials said. But she was gone before police could get there.

"She's very, very sharp. She's cunning," said sheriff's Det. C. T. Lowe.

Musta' taken lessons from the fe-lying. I'm tellin' you, that cat was no cat's paw in this scheme. Probably held off the police with a pathetic "Help, help! She glued me into a furball!" act while the kid made good her escape.

"Kayla is awaiting trial Sept. 7 on charges of stabbing her father to death in February. Sheriff's Sgt. A. D. Beasley said the motive for the slaying was unclear.

"Lowe said Kayla told family members she planned to escape by July 2. He said the relatives were asleep when she fled."

Book 'em, Danno.


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posted by Harrison at 10:24 AM

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Thursday, July 08, 2004


Tig Talkback

I have been meaning to get back to that Tig fe-lying for a while (and now I've lost the link), but you people haven't got a clue how tough it is for me to get at the computer. (AHM takes over and that's the end of that.) The hairball-on-the-bed comment Human Female Meryl just made reminded me. (Wears you down, doesn't it? Keeps you tired and off your guard for any future operations, that's the plan.)

Have fun at Busch Gardens--great place! Okay, so they didn't let me actually in the park (can't someone repeal that crappy rule?) but the kennel was pretty nice. We probably wouldn't have had much fun on the rides anyway--Heddy is such a wuss she would have ruined everything with her whimpering and whining and howling. (Sometimes I think she's a closet Demo-cat.)

Btw, if I had known HFM was going to be at Fort Lee for the Fourth, I would have insisted AHM drive us over there to discuss the issue. 'Course HFM was in the stands and no one lets me go there--tried a few years ago and ended up being stuck in AHM's friend's back yard instead. (Since Little Girl moved in, though, we mostly stay home and watch her have a nervous breakdown over the noise.)

Oh, and before I forget, Gracie looks like an almost-acceptable fe-lying. Probably drives all the guys crazy--unless--well, I won't go there… Glad she got her tuna treat. I'm partial to tuna myself.

Human Female Meryl should still keep a close eye on that Tig character, though. When I was a really young pup, Silly Human Female was AHM's roomie and we got stuck housing her fe-lying as part of the deal. It was a big, fat, hairy, tabby-colored Persian fe-lying that looked a lot like that Tig cat. (You all know Persia is now Iran, don'cha? Even the Arabs are scared of Persians! "The Iranians give paltry excuses, saying that the reactors produce cooking fuel and water reservoirs," [columnist Abdul Rahman] Al-Rashid writes [in the Arab News.] "We would be also stupid if it didn't occur to us that they were in fact producing nuclear bombs by which they can threaten neighboring countries.")

Okay, so Tig is a Maine Coon, but really, they could be brothers under the fur.

That Persian sucker was 27 pounds if he was an ounce--a mean-looking mug who the SHF had named "Dandylion." Yeah, yeah, that could explain the attitude problem I suppose. But he was still a full-blown terrorist. He would hide under a chair and wait for me to toddle past, then leap out for the attack. (Do those tactics sound familiar?) At the time I was all of about 5 pounds sopping wet so it was not a pleasant experience to be flattened by 27 pounds of cat-flab.

But he was dumb. Reeeally dumb. Didn't seem to know I would grow. I grew teeth too. Good thing for Dandylion he had 10 pounds of fur around his neck and AHM was close by when I finally took things into my own paws--er--jaws. Ever since I've been suspicious of all fat, fluffy, tabby-yellowish fe-lyings. You never know what underpawed scheme they're planning.

PS: No, I didn't wipe him out. He never came close enough again to give me a second shot.

PPS: You're welcome about the ducklings, HFM, and no, I didn't think you thought they were cat toys. Tig I'm not too sure about…


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posted by Harrison at 12:23 PM

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Gut Growls

This almost makes me ashamed of being an Australian-Terrier-Canine-American. Damn! Am I glad my foresires emigrated to the U.S.

"The ABC has come under fire for wasting taxpayers' money on a new website which encourages children to "make better farts."

"The Federal Government is outraged that the national broadcaster axed the popular children's show Behind The News because of a lack of funding, but managed to find money to teach kids how to break wind more effectively.

"Respected scientist Dr Karl Kruszelnicki has written a column for the site called Begone With The Wind, telling children that "the average fart is a wondrous event". Children are also encouraged to take part in a "Great Fart Survey", a "Great Baked Beans Fart Experiment" and to submit poetry about bodily functions."

And ya' know what really pisses me off? They always blame the dog!

Dug up at World Net Daily.


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posted by Harrison at 11:54 AM

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Wednesday, July 07, 2004


Meanwhile, Back at the ALGore (TN) Trailer Park…

Too much "cuteness" made the wolf crack.

"Couple's concrete pigs stolen; thieves demanding ransom

"Two concrete porkers, each about 1 foot tall, were taken from the Romineses' yard sometime between June 26 and the early morning hours of June 27, according to police records.

"The first ransom note demanded two ears of corn and one ripe mango, said police spokeswoman Kate Novitsky. Mary Romines found the ransom note tacked to the front gate of their home in A and L Trailer Park. Her husband, Bobby Romines, called police. The note requested that Mary Romines deliver the ransom at the front gate of the mobile home park. Mary Romines just wants the pigs returned unharmed, she said. [Emphasis mine]

"The pig statues were taken from her front yard, around a birdbath and beneath an arch surrounded by other cement swine brethren and chickens. The chickens were moved but not stolen.

Ya' know, I can sympathize with the swine swipers. There's a place up the street AHM calls the "Cute House." The only way to describe the place is that it looks like there was an explosion at a crafts fair and all the crap landed in one yard. If it's cute, country, crafty, and cloying they have it—and plunked it down somewhere on their lawn. It actually makes you wish for a return to pink plastic flamingos.

"One pig is presumably male, sporting blue overalls, while the other is presumably female, decked out in a pink dress.

Definitely a "cuteness" crisis. Last Easter the "Cute House" had a big fiberglass-painted-to-look-like-stone bunny pushing a child’s antique wheelbarrow full of plastic eggs with a row of baby bunnies following behind. Painted chicks and ducks and geese scurried through the flower beds and a mass of lilies (probably fake) was arranged around a large, plastic-flowered cross like I've marked in cemeteries. A tree was hung with multi-colored eggs in a bizarre echo of a Christmas tree, and small wreaths full of those barfing plastic eggs and bright pink bows were hung on every window.

All that was in addition to the usual stuff--folk art flags painted on pieces of old barn siding, folk art flowers painted on pieces of old barn siding, and folk art heart and duck shapes cut out of pieces of old barn siding. Then there's a miniature lighthouse with rotating light, a wooden highchair and a child's wagon both holding a pot of some flowers or other, and little garden flags flappin' butt high all over the place. (My butt, not AHM's. Get too close and you get a nasty flap burn.)

The only time I ever got near the front door was one Halloween when I took the pups trick-or-treating. They got totally spooked when they saw two hands sticking up from the top of a tree stump. Barked for a full thirty seconds until I figured out it was a fake-stone bird feeder on a small pedestal and shut them up. 'Course they were so embarrassed they had to almost drown the ceramic bunny-holding-a-watering-can beside the front stoop. Like AHM asked, how many mail-order catalogues had been sacrificed on this altar of "cuteness?"

Now you tell me… If you had to look at that mess of "cuteness" day in and day out, wouldn't you kidnap something?

"On Monday, the Romineses received a cooked pork chop with a note that said, ''cooked the pig.'' Tuesday night, the ''pignappers'' left the Romineses another letter, this time attached to a bag of pork rinds asking if she was scared. The letter demanded a potato, and the note was signed from ''the big bad wolf.''

Gotta' side with the wolf here--canines run together, doncha'know.

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.

MORE: Mr. Minority has an interesting take. (Now, if he'd just ditch the fe-lying…)


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posted by Harrison at 1:22 PM

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Tuesday, July 06, 2004


The New Terrorists In America - Groundhogs!

As if I didn't have enough trouble keeping the fe-lyings and squirrels in line! Now the groundhogs have joined the terrorist network.

I'm not too sure I would have taken this sucker on, though. He was only after a couple of French poodles and (as you readers know) I still have unresolved issues after the Poodle Bitch incident at that dog show. But if I did, I guaran-damn-tee that groundhog would have been road kill. 'Course he wouldn't have even tried this crap with me around. I have street cred. I have a rep.

Man calls battle with groundhog 'Caddyshack' with Stephen King twist.

"LEWISTON [Maine] — A 240-pound military veteran stands ready to dispute the notion of the cute, cuddly image of the groundhog in the movie "Caddyshack." James Nelson fought off a rampaging groundhog in his back yard, but the critter kept coming back for more after being kicked and hit with a shovel. It finally scurried away after a police officer showed up with a gun.

"The thing was bionic," said Nelson, who was twice knocked to the ground. "It kept going like it was on a mission."

"The episode unfolded late Saturday morning when the furry animal the size of a large cat showed up behind Nelson's home and proceeded to attack his two poodles as his 10-year-old daughter and her friend shrieked from the swimming pool. Nelson came to the rescue and shooed the groundhog away, but the angry critter came back. This time it attacked Nelson, hissing and baring its teeth.

"Nelson gave the animal a kick and it ran away, but the groundhog came back and Nelson whacked it on the head with a shovel. "It was like a bull and matador thing," Nelson said. "I beat up myself trying to fight it off."

"Cleo Dow watched the ongoing battle from the neighbor's lawn. "He really wanted Jim," she said.
When police officer Trent Murphy arrived, the groundhog was hiding under Nelson's garage. It was there that the groundhog launched its final attack, going after both men.

"I said, 'Shoot it! Shoot it!' " Nelson said. Murphy pulled his gun and fired. It was unknown whether the single bullet found its mark, but the animal disappeared into the woods.

"Afterward, Nelson marveled at the tenacity of the animal, which he said was "as aggressive as aggressive can be." "I'm not much scared of anything," he said. "It was more of a Stephen King version of 'Caddyshack.' "

Yeah, and I'm Cujo!


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posted by Harrison at 11:38 PM

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Friday, July 02, 2004


You Don't See Them Renting Cats, Do You?

Ha! Yet another example of the superiority and multi-national appeal of dogs.

"THE Beatles sang Money can't buy me love, but people are flocking to the "Puppy the World" rental pet shop at Tokyo's Odaiba waterfront park to rent just that by the hour.

"On a recent Sunday dozens of lonely hearts gazed at photos of adorable doggies and then shelled out 1575 yen ($20.99) to take the chihuahua, toy poodle or miniature dachshund of their choice for an hour's walk.

"Upon their return, many give their short-term companions a quick hug and a wave in a misty-eyed farewell.

"For Japanese with a fondness for animals but who are unable to raise pets because of their cramped homes or strict apartment rules, shops like these are a godsend.

"Three of us in our family love dogs, but my grandfather hates them," said a 12-year-old girl who lives with her parents and grandparents in a Tokyo condominium and who rents a dog every week."

I can personally vouch for the Japanese love of dogs. When I was a pup in CA, AHM would take us all walking in a nearby tourist town that was a prime stop on the tour bus route. (Tuesdays or Thursday were pretty much Far East days, depending upon whether the buses were headed north or south.)

Naturally when AHM visited the stores in town, we had to wait outside. There was plenty of shade and benches--and Japanese people with cameras. Now we all knew our job was to be ambassadors (and -esses) for the U.S., so of course we were polite and posed for pictures. We're used to posing for pictures. I mean, just look at that photo at the top of the page and tell me you wouldn't want to point a camera in our direction?

Even when AHM would duck into her favorite hole-in-the-wall, off-the-main-drag café for a quick lunch they'd find us. There we were, minding our own business and catching a few zzzz's on the shady bench in the corner, when suddenly there would be a burst of jabbering and a horde of tourists clogging the alleyway, cameras clicking.

I still wonder how many pictures of us are tucked away in vacation photo albums across Japan--right between Disneyland and Fisherman's Wharf.

Dug up at Dave Barry's Blog.


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posted by Harrison at 11:38 AM

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